I don’t need anyone. – most of us with bpd feel convinced that no one cares about us or love us. We find it hard to trust that people genuinely want to help us.
Also we find closeness intimidating. Whenever we get close to someone, we have the intense fear that soon that person will abandon us. That’s why we try to convince ourselves as well as others that we don’t need anyone. We are better and happy alone.
I don’t care- We are highly sensitive people. We are so turned on toward our senses and gestures. Most of our lives we have spent reading the expressions of others. For many of us, this is how we predicted what our abuser is planning and how to act in his/ her presence.
So yes, we feel emotions intensely and we care so much that it almost chokes and drowns us.
Saying that we don’t care is a defense mechanism we use to cut off ourselves from the situation before it hurts .
I am fine- If you ask us. Most of the times our reply would be ,we are fine. We are okay. I would say that even when I am contemplating suicide or self harm. Reason- we feel that we are not worthy of attention, we are a burden and the toxic Shame of not feeling okay .
Self harm- we cut, purge, burn and harm ourselves. This is not about attention. When the emotions and turmoil becomes too much. It looks like the only release. It’s a short term risky solution to release that emotional pain. I have self harmed because in that moment it feels the only way out to escape the mental pain. To distract it away with the physical pain.
Emotional detachment/ dissociation- when the emotions spiral out or become too overwhelming. We sometimes end up dissociating. At that stage, I become completely detached , cold and numb. The responses become automatic , whatever is happening feels like it’s happening to others and I am just an outside observer. Most of the times dissociation happens on its own accord as a response to the immediate event that may be traumatic to process.